Monday, January 16, 2006

Oh, Yeah...

I forgot to mention I made a New Year's Resolution! I like to kinda stagger these things, so that there's more of a sliding scale of resolutions than one grand mega-resolution. The scale goes as follows:

Step 1: I will bring the number of socks I've knit up to ten (counting the two I made in december).

Step 2: I will bring the number of pairs of socks I've knit up to ten, including the december pair.

Step 3: I will knit ten pairs of socks, all in this year. Baby booties totally count.

Step 4: I will knit ten pairs of socks, all in this year, for myself. Any socks or booties knit for others will not fill this requirement.

In preparation of this, I've picked up three more skeins of Opal, and about a million balls of that senso cotton that's so nice and cheap. I'm almost to the heel flap of the second sock that pair, and I'm really liking how the first one wears. If I finish by the end of this week, I'm going to have to find some kinda of pretty new shoes to show them off in :)

In other news, classes start up again tomorrow. I'm kinda iffy on this semester - I'm taking the fewest number of hours I've ever taken on purpose, nine, but they're all upper-level psych courses, and, incidentally, the LAST of my upper-level psych courses. Isn't that crazy? I mean, if I do well on these classes (and there's no reason to expect I shouldn't, I've got a 3.8 GPA in my psych classes thus far), then I've got, what, one semester to go? Make up that last english and history class? And since we're not taking the Iran trip after all (a cousin from Germany is coming to the US, and staying at dad's place, so he's staying to take care of her) I'll have plenty of time in the summer to finish that up. Could I be graduating? Like, graduating this year?

It's kinda scary, to be graduating. I haven't given any thought to grad school just yet, aside from the fact that I know I want to go. I don't really have a great, lasting relationship with any of my advisors or professors, aside from maybe Dr. Copeland, probably due in part to the fact that I've only been on this campus for almost two years now. This'll actually be my fourth semester at the main campus, since I took half a year at Blinn when my loans didn't come in, and now I've got to think of letters of recommendation and writing samples and whatnot? It's really scary. I've been toying with the idea of taking up teaching, but I'm afraid that maybe it's because I'm afraid to go to grad school, which is total crap since I haven't been accepted to any, you know, because I haven't APPLIED.

And then I have to stop and think, what about women's studies? My feminist theory prof said that I had a really good grasp of the second-wave literature, that the essays we wrote would go a long way to getting into women's studies program - into a GOOD one. And I really enjoyed it. But I really enjoy psychology, especially social psych, and I'm taking classes in how people learn, how cognition works, and it's all just so lovely and fascinating.

But if I'm graduating, I'm going to have to get a new job. I can't stay a student worker forever, especially when I'm not a student any more - that's how I GOT the job, the last guy graduated out. And I know I don't want to be a kept woman, I don't want Sweetie to have to support us both, even though I know he could right now. I'd like to get my masters. I'd like to get my doctorate. I'm the first person in my family to go to college in I don't know HOW long, I'll be the first to graduate, and I really want to see how far I can go. If I don't go, I'll regret it forever. I need to prove to myself that I can make it in a hard science (and psych IS hard science, my friend), prove to myself and to my family how smart I really am, how worthwhile I am, really vindicate me as a person. If I can do this, if I can go and get into grad school and GET my doctorate, if my last name can end "Ph. D", then I've done it. I've shown everyone that I'm worth something, and I've shown myself as well.

No comments: