Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Bless me, Blogger, for I have sinned.

It's been two years since my last entry. In that time, the cat count has gone up to 5, the husband count is up to 2, the estranged father count is at 1, and the job meter is down to 0 benefits.

I'm living in New Braunfels, now, where I moved in May 2011 after Gamerboy and I got engaged. I'm working at a hotel, front desk, mostly nights but just enough afternoons to ensure I have nothing resembling a stable sleep schedule.

Heed is now ten years old, Ripley is three, Bucket and Landis are two, and little Moxie Melonhead is just over one. Bucket (black tuxedo mediumhair) and his sister, Moppet (tortie mediumhair), were trapped as feral kittens back when Ivy and I were living together in Aggieland. Before I moved out here, he had gotten to the point where he would voluntarily join me on the bed for snuggles, but since the move he's been more reticent. I try and handle him at least once every six months or so, but mostly I try to give him space. He's not really domestic in the traditional sense, and is still convinced that everyone ever is going to murder him in the face. Landis (orange and white tabby) was Gamerboy's cat, and he's a bit of an asshole. When left to his own devices, he's pushy, rude, and VERY bitey; he's terrified of Ripley, though, so he gives us plenty of love and affection, because we keep him safe from her. Moxie we didn't expect, but she was found in a city dump, with a litter of siblings who had been shot to death, and was only alive because she'd hidden in a soup can. When my (very allergic) friend explained her story, how could I turn her away? She was only 4 weeks old, and sickly enough that her growth was severely stunted; even now she's maybe 5lbs.

There was a thread on Rav today about student loans, and that's what got me depressed enough to turn to blogger. For some reason, I feel melodramatic writing things here, which is probably why I stopped.

In a few months, I will be 30 years old. I have 18k in student loans, 4k in credit card debt, and a husband who's racking up approximately 5o-60k worth of Master's degree. I don't know if he'll be able to find a job in his field when he graduates, or if/when we'll be able to afford a move if/when he does. Neither of us have health insurance, and my brain drugs cost us $150 every month because of it. Gamerboy is depressed, and would like to get on medication for it his own self, but we can't afford the doctor visits, much less another costly prescription (and then more visits, and different prescriptions, until the right medication and amount were found). He's also hurt his back twice this summer, and very likely pre-diabetic.

I started a small nail polish company, which I'm hoping will make it into the black by the end of the year. I've poured about $500 into it, and made about half of that back. It's not a lot, but the fact that it's almost-kinda-actually succeeding to a degree is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from feeling like a complete failure. I've been having more depressive episodes, sleeping way too much, and not eating much or well.

My goal in life, right now, would be to one day own a very small house, with about 4 or 5 acres of land (10 when I'm feeling generous with myself). I would like to have goats and chickens and a garden, and any livestock above and beyond that would be great too. I would like to have a whole craft room, health insurance, an adopted child or two, and a job where I took home over 20k a year. What I actually think will happen looks more like a series of apartments for the rest of our lives, possibly so much as a townhome one day, and a hopefully-stable population of cats. Maybe a dog if we ever get that townhome.

This isn't a terribly chipper post, all told. The most exciting things in my life right now are taking pictures of new colors of polish, and seeing if I can figure out how to turn some of my dry pigments into calligraphy ink. I splurged and bought some fabric this month, for a skirt that I'm hand-sewing and what I hope will be a shirt to go with it, and also two bottles of pretty ink (bought before I realized I might be able to make my own).

I've also taken to covering my hair when I leave the house, which oddly enough is one of the more positive things in my life right now. I seem to feel more secure when I'm wearing a scarf, safer and therefore more confident, and it makes me happy. My hair's grown out almost all the way back to where it was before I cut it, and I plan to let it get as long as it can from here on out.

I also realized as I was writing all of this that I'd forgotten to take my pills for the last two days. That could explain this mood I'm in. It's also almost 7 in the morning, which is bedtime for me these days.

Not everything sucks. I'm in a weekly online D&D game, a play-by-mail steampunk game (surprise surprise, the root of my inklust), and I've gotten closer to most of my new inlaws. Gamerboy's parents are surprisingly awesome. I pared down my yarn and fiber stash into one small closet's worth, all of it awesome, and I now have a walk-in closet (the Glitter Cave) where all of the polish things live and the cats can't go. It's a nice little sanctuary, and sometimes I go in there just to relax. My weight has been fairly stable, which is nice considering how hard it is for me to exercise, but swimming in the river is free and doesn't put any strain on my wrist (which has gotten worse, unfortunately. I can't put any weight on it, or bend it terribly far in any direction). I've got another shawl design in my head, but I think I need to start it over again - the yarn I began in is too pricey for me to get enough to finish, which is a shame because it's just lovely. I also picked up an absurdly cheap floor loom on craigslist, and I hope to soon learn how to use it.

I think I'm starting to get over the mood I was in when I started this post. Mostly right now I'm just tired, and a little cranky. I think it's time for me to usher in a few cats and go to bed.

UPDATE: Gamerboy just came in, bearing a cat for me to snuggle, and we talked over some of what I've posted here. He always makes me feel better when I'm in a funk. My worries are still there, but they no longer feel quite so insurmountable <3

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