Tuesday, June 02, 2009


Well, I know my last blog post seemed very rosy, but I have decided that Grue is not the dog for me. I know, I know, it hasn't been very long since I got her. I know this.

When I said she was not socialized as well as I had expected, I was only beginning to see her personality. She is afraid of men, of bikes, of people with beards, of blondes, and of loud noises and fast movements. She is not laid back like I thought she would be - in fact, she's quite active, more active than I can handle. She isn't housebroken, she isn't actually used to being inside at all - I spoke with her foster mom some more, and as it turns out she is used to being kept outside in a kennel all day, every day.

People, I am many things, but incredibly active is not one of them. I do not have a yard at the new place - hell, it's a one bedroom apartment, and I work 8 hours a day. I do not have the energy that this dog will need, to be trained properly and become a good indoor dog.

Grue loves being outside. LOVES it. Wants to spend all day out there - and coincidentally, doesn't want to pee just because she happens to be outside. I'm not going to have enough time in my morning to get myself ready for work AND spend over an hour walking her, and hoping that at some point she pees.

Another thing, and this is hard for me to say, but I am just not as ready to have a dog again as I thought I was. When I caught her chewing on my spinning wheel, I called her Maggie without thinking, and cried for an hour. I cried most of yesterday, actually, but at least some of that is because of the prozac (which, by the way, I saw the doctor today and she decided to double my dose and see if that fixes the side effects I've been having; I have a follow up appointment next month), and I know now that getting a dog was me looking for love more than me being in a good place to take in another animal.

It's still not easy being in my brain, knowing that some of the things I'm thinking are the product of weird chemistry and not really me. I've been having more suicidal thoughts, but (don't fret!) not the kind that are in any way serious. I know this doesn't make much sense if you haven't experienced it, but these are the kinds of suicidal thoughts where once I realize what I'm thinking, my first reaction is That's not normal, I should mark that down on my calendar and talk to the doctor, not Hmm, gas or rope? like it was before I started the brain drugs.

So, tomorrow I drive out to return Grue to the rescue wherefrom I got her. She will be happy to see her foster mom again, and she will be with her sister and brother again, and she will get to be outside all day like she wants to be. Hopefully, someone with a yard and lots of time and energy will see her, and love her like she deserves, and give her a home that will be better for her. She is not a bad dog. She is a very sweet dog. But she is not the dog for me.


Anonymous said...

If you start feeling genuinely suicidal, please talk to someone about it immediately.

Persian Pen Name said...

Thank you, I have been. I've been talking with my friends, my doctor, and I have a number of hotlines programmed into my phone. If I start thinking I'm genuinely dangerous to myself, I have a place I can stay where my friends will watch me.

jiva said...

you've made entirely the right move and I'm surprised if you've fully informed the fosterer of this dog of your situation why they put you through it. You need a companion to support you, like hearing dogs for the deaf or sighted dogs for the blind. This is your dog for support. A big shame and probably more stress than you needed to handle right now. Hopefully there is someone or some animal out there who can give you the little extra love you need.
best of luck honey. Sorry I don't comment often but I have loved your blog for a while and am sad to see you unhappy with yourself. I've hit unhappy but not to the levels you have. I wish you as much love as I can muster and hope for you the very best of luck to pull you through. There will be a good end to look back on eventually I promise, and I also promise suicide is not the right end.